Ennui

I'm reading many blogs, but too lazy to leave comments. For now, maybe just read it's enough, then keep silent. I don't want to show myself. Likewise with the comments on this blog. After reading it, I was unwilling to respond it. 

Perhaps this will not last long. Sooner or later, my desire to comment will come back. However, right now I really just wanted to be quiet. Negating existence. Just being a silent reader.




This kind of thing reminds me of the incident yesterday morning, when the weather in Jakarta finally cleared up after a long rain, and I decided to leave my home for jogging. After a walk and run that I did for 45 minutes, I stopped by the market near my house to buy snacks otak-otak and sausages which I then fried myself at home. Btw, I certainly wear a mask every time I go out of the house during a pandemic.

Before I finally talked to the junk food vendor about buying otak-otak and sausages, I watched several things as I walked. Some people were looking for breakfast and were queuing at the chicken porridge seller, uduk rice, and various other snacks, then the women came to vegetable seller, and motorbike drivers who had to slow down, even though they were going to work.

From all the crowd, I thought that no one saw me passing on the street. Whether or not my figure is there, it's doesn't matter. If I don't buy at one of those junk food stalls, the seller will also still got income from other buyers—which spend more money than me. In short, I'm not a part of them, nor is it okay. My job is just to walk through, record all the activity in my brain.

Sometimes I don't want to be seen by anyone. I think that sometimes being alone is also necessary to reflect on a life that is no less short.

Back to the blog topic, if I keep silent, it will obviously make my blog empty of visitors and comments. In fact, when I previously used the “comment method only when I wanted to”, it had reduced the number of visits per day. Especially now, huh? It will definitely decrease a lot. But, I fully understand the consequences.

When I casually saw the numbers, I was like a newbie in the world of blogging. Even so, it doesn't seem to be a problem. Several times my writing didn't get any comments at all, and it turned out that it wasn't that bad. When traffic is no longer a problem, I can actually enjoy the blogging process more at ease. I can focus more on thinking about the next writings.

Some people are too focused on finding ways to make their blogs crowded with visitors, but they even forget to improve their writing style that is just like that. Aren't readers bored too, if nothing has changed over the past year?

When I evaluate my own writing, I also feel that kind of saturation. Even though I have tried various techniques, alternating types of writing such as diaries, short stories, poetry, and reviews, most of my writing remains dark. I became very disgusted when I reread it. I am still confused how to deal with this problem. I really wanted to write a story that was cheerful, more colorful, and less dark than before—or at least the sadness that I wrote was laughable. How to write something like that? Lately I have put in a comedy element that feels too dark, so instead of producing laughter, it makes people pity or makes people contemplate. The easiest way I do to be able to laugh at my own writing when rereading it, is to mock people or products I think are bad. But on the other hand, sometimes I don't want to be too cynical anymore, let alone to the point of hurting people's feelings with such teasing.

For me, the writing process was very painful. Apart from the search for ideas, pouring out all thoughts and feelings, rereading, and editing, who doesn't have back pain when sitting for about 1-4 hours? It's just a process, not to mention if you reflect on the results, and your writing doesn't make any money?

So, why should I keep writing even though from the start I knew about all the suffering? As far as I know, the feeling of relief after writing is like pooping. I've been constipated a few times, and I know it's very uncomfortable. When I go poop, I never even thought about the food that I consumed. I know that the food will eventually turn into feces, but I still need to eat foods, don't I? Perhaps this analogy is similar to writing. Why I write? To keep my mind healthy.

Then, I also want to quote Bolano's words: The truth is, I don’t believe all that much in writing. Starting with my own. Being a writer is pleasant—no, pleasant isn’t the word—it’s an activity that has its share of amusing moments, but I know of other things that are even more amusing, amusing in the same way that literature is for me. Holding up banks, for example. Or directing movies. Or being a gigolo. Or being a child again and playing on a more or less apocalyptic soccer team. Unfortunately, the child grows up, the bank robber is killed, the director runs out of money, the gigolo gets sick and then there’s no other choice but to write. For me, the word “writing” is the exact opposite of the word “waiting.” Instead of waiting, there is writing.

I don't know why writing this problem in English, even though I understand that my skill is suck, so I need to open the dictionary several times and check the grammar on reverso.net. Maybe it's because I already wrote some of the first parts in English. When I'm sad, angry, lackluster, or other negative feelings, sometimes I prefer to use English to get rid of that thought. I don't mean to be cool, but it just automatically happens.

Talking about English and leaving comments, I suddenly remembered when one time my blog was filled (it seems that it was the only English writing on this blog) with a collaborative post that discuss RPG games whose clients asked for English articles. At that time, my English skills were much worse than now. I got really stressed during the writing process. As a result, I better focus on doing it through Indonesian first, then change it to English later. Unfortunately, writing it in Indonesian also takes a long time, while the deadline is tight. Do I need to use Google Translate as a shortcut? Before I acted recklessly, I was grateful that the client would be kind enough to help me in translating, almost all of them even translated it. Alhamdulillah, the cooperation ended well.

The funny part happened after the article was published. There is one reader who commented something like this: “A B C, itu aja. Aku enggak bisa bahasa Inggris, jadi maaf enggak tahu itu kamu lagi ngomongin apa.”

I spontaneously laugh. I have no problem with people whose English is poor, because I also see myself who is not much different—maybe the difference is that I still have the will to learn. The question is, is it that important to leave a comment even if you don't understand what the writing is, then feel confused or don't know what to comment on? Why keep pushing yourself to leave comments?

At that time, I was annoyed with comments like that, to the point that I made a statement like this under the comments column: “Berkomentarlah karena ingin, bukan cuma basa-basi biar dianggap sudah blogwalking,” to insinuate those who I mean. I've been very cynical about shit fakes.

It's good that humans can change. I started to be calm when I faced worse things. Since 2019 I have no problem with those kinds of things anymore. It's up to the readers to comment because they really want to or are forced or hope their blog will get a return visit, but I still keep the writing as it is without any intention of changing it again. Even if it is considered arrogant, I never mind. After all, what's the fun of doing something forced? This is what I really meant for earlier. In the meantime, I'm not in the mood to comment on the various writings I've read in the last few days. I can't longer find joy from commenting like what had happened before. I don't want to push myself, so I'll stay like this for a while. Hopefully I can come back when I've found that pleasure again.

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PS: Damn, I'm so tired of writing in English. Tomorrow, it's better to back to Indonesian. Um, and don't hesitate to correct it, if there are many mistakes.


Source: SS anime The Tatami Galaxy.

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